The last post on here, prior to the brief one the other night, was made in January, it has indeed been a while. A lot has happened since then, but I'm not going to attempt to summarize everything. Although I am going to look ahead to the future, which can be rather terrifying. With 5 weeks left in the semester the final one is not far away. It would be pointless to believe I'm alone in any soul-searching, so I won't play the 'woe-is-me' card. Still, big decisions are on the way that have implications for more then just the next 2 or even 5 years. Is grad school in the cards or will I be testing the job market waters? Will I be in Pittsburgh, D.C., or halfway around the world? Do I go it alone? Sometimes inspired success feels more ominous to me than abject failure. Would I be able to walk away from a successful career for the service and glory of God?
By my own admission I have done a poor job of listening to God. My idea of 'listening' is doing so when it's convenient for me. Generally, this is how I approach almost everything I do. "Oh sure, I want to help people..." Of course, I neglect to add..."when I feel like it and I benefit from doing so." Unfortunately, this perspective doesn't jive with what God asks for. He wants everything you have, not some of it when you feel like it. It bothers me that I act this way, but ultimately I have done little to correct it. What it comes down to is: I am a control freak. I like to run my own life, I hate being told what to do, and I don't like when it's suggested to me that something I do is wrong or a waste. I've tried to work on this, but the process has been slow going. The problem is that I ask for God to show me direction, but then I don't like it if the direction doesn't match what I had in mind. As a result, I fear that the next couple years may turn out terribly if I try to fight what God is pointing me towards. But honestly, I'm having an extremely difficult time figuring out what that is. I say I want to go to grad school, I don't know if I do, and I'm even less certain if God wants me to. I don't want to get a job, but I feel like maybe God wants me to. The truth is general uncertainty is the theme of the day. Am I supposed to stay in Pittsburgh? I want to, but I just don't know. I don't know if that's good or bad, it just is how it is.
And ultimately this begs one question: when I look back 6 months from now will I see the hand of God or only my own stubborn will?