Sunday, February 20, 2011

So here's the truth

Now seemed as appropriate a time as any to finally post something else on here. I always accuse people of not saying what they mean, and doing things out of guilt rather than choice. The constant call of "tell the truth" comes from my lips. So here's the truth, the past 4 years for me have been entirely about me. I've done my best to only do things that I wanted to do, when I wanted to do them, and for my own benefit. In addition, I've believed that those who did things differently than me, or thought differently, should change the way they do things or were wrong. Essentially, I've wanted everyone to be like me, do things like me, and adopt my ways of thinking. And what has that gotten me? Nothing. Then why do I stubbornly refuse to change? I have no idea. But I do know that it needs to. I want to stop feeling sneering bitterness towards others in their happiness, and projecting mocking sarcasm at most of the world. From this point on, I will try my hardest to see things in another light and act differently. I will resolve to look forward, and do things for others rather than myself. It's hard for me to relinquish control, but I definitely need to. Responsibility is something I want, for myself and others. So here's the truth, this is an apology. Friends you've deserved better than I've delivered. And I don't deserve another chance, but I'm asking for one anyways. Because I'm sick of regrets and I don't want anymore than I already have. I'm not content just to live, I want to be fully alive. Here's to holding nothing back, come what may. This could get uncomfortable. For everyone.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hopes and fears

Well, it's finally here. Tomorrow begins my final semester at Pitt. I think I've exhausted every corny metaphor for finality, so I'll leave those alone. Regardless, thinking about things later rather than sooner has dramatically reversed itself. Suddenly, the end is in 4 months not 12 or 24. What have I accomplished over the past 3 and 1/2 years? Have I left the country? Check. Cooked for myself? Check. Learned out how to survive on my own? Uh...jury is still out on that one. I've gotten educated, I think. There have been ups and downs. I've seen moments of pure bliss and periods of sheer terror. All in all, I am not who I was when I left high school. I used to think I knew it all, but I now know I was definitely wrong. Life isn't easy, and it also isn't what you expect. But what did I expect and what do I hope for and fear now? Am I Thom Yorke seeking "no alarms and no surprises"? Or Pete Townshend hoping "to die before I get old"? Time will tell I guess.

The reality is I didn't expect to be sitting here the day before my final semester trying to figure out what in the world I'll be doing after graduation. Honestly, I figured that I'd have a grad school lined up and paid for or a job for the taking. But I don't and it bothers me. I tell people that I like doing things on a whim, but that's always been more of an act than truth. In actuality, I like the continuity that comes out of having things planned out. Before I go somewhere I obsessively study the layout out of where I'm going so that I'm always in control of the situation. Unfortunately, no map is offered that provides a layout for life. This has always been a problem for me, but it has compounded over time. Furthermore, by now I expected, or at least really hoped, I'd be in a functional relationship with an intelligent, caring, and potentially marriageable girl. This hasn't happened, and I spend a decent amount of time and thought trying to figure out why. Usually this leads me to blame myself--but I don't think that's helpful or fair. I don't think that anyone wants to be alone, in fact I fear it, but it isn't like I want to have a relationship to save myself from boredom or loneliness. Is it too noble, or overly naive--maybe stupid--to be more concerned with someone else's happiness than your own? Or, in different phrasing, to increase your own happiness by deriving additional joy from watching happiness in someone else. The wording may be slightly off, but the idea is this. I want to have a relationship with a girl tht benefits them infinitely more than it benefits me. This isn't intended in the sense of the male as "conquering hero and provider" but rather as a supporter and encourager. I want my wife to have the freedom to do what she loves, set up the house as she sees fit, etc. As long as she is happy I'll be happy. I know it sounds cliche and kind of lame--but I mean it. So what do I hope for after college? For starters: a job. It's somewhat of a necessity. However, beyond that, all I hope to do is find a functional relationship, get married, find a place and start a family. I'm not interested in living just for myself anymore. But I'll take a quiet life with "no alarms and no surprises," although I'd like to live to be quite old. Oh and kids, I'd like some.