Saturday, November 13, 2010

Right on time

This post owes a huge debt to the brother of one of my oldest friends. Back in 6th or 7th grade he burned me a mix cd, with some songs by Project 86 and a band called Stavesacre. I immediately gravitated to the songs by Project 86, and they have become one of my favorite bands. However, at the time, I largely ignored the songs by Stavesacre. In the time since I have grown quite fond of the entire cd. As a whole, the entire disc is among my most played. Almost every song stands out, but I am posting the lyrics of one song that really hits home. The song is called Keep Waiting (by Stavesacre), and for those that are Christians the message should be familiar.

I was far away from here, felt like a million miles
Under unfamiliar skies, in more than one way far from dreams I'd dreamed
I'd seen the blinding light, there was hope but was there time
Slow trigger starting line, and each day of waiting seemed eternity

You never left my side
You never left my mind

So they will open up their mouths, but really who are they
And soon enough they'll fade away, only blind but soon they'll have to see
Fear like a cancer spreads, how many more will drop their eyes
Lift their hands and wait to die, and how much time to spend to see who stands
But I think I know the way, I got a promise on the mind, and I'll be looking for what's mine
Sovereign stillness whispers trust in me

In just a little while
They'll wish that they were silent

Keep waiting, I'll be right on time
Keep waiting, I'll be right on time

In just a little while
They'll wish that they were silent

And when they try to take your eyes off of me, remember
And when they try to take your eyes off of me, remember me

Keep waiting, I'll be right on time
Keep waiting, I'll be right on time

In just a little while, they'll wish that they were silent.

This is a truth I far too easily forget. So when things seem rough, or you don't know what to do, remember this. Keep waiting. And with that, the blog is back.

Friday, November 12, 2010

It's been a while

The last post on here, prior to the brief one the other night, was made in January, it has indeed been a while. A lot has happened since then, but I'm not going to attempt to summarize everything. Although I am going to look ahead to the future, which can be rather terrifying. With 5 weeks left in the semester the final one is not far away. It would be pointless to believe I'm alone in any soul-searching, so I won't play the 'woe-is-me' card. Still, big decisions are on the way that have implications for more then just the next 2 or even 5 years. Is grad school in the cards or will I be testing the job market waters? Will I be in Pittsburgh, D.C., or halfway around the world? Do I go it alone? Sometimes inspired success feels more ominous to me than abject failure. Would I be able to walk away from a successful career for the service and glory of God?

By my own admission I have done a poor job of listening to God. My idea of 'listening' is doing so when it's convenient for me. Generally, this is how I approach almost everything I do. "Oh sure, I want to help people..." Of course, I neglect to add..."when I feel like it and I benefit from doing so." Unfortunately, this perspective doesn't jive with what God asks for. He wants everything you have, not some of it when you feel like it. It bothers me that I act this way, but ultimately I have done little to correct it. What it comes down to is: I am a control freak. I like to run my own life, I hate being told what to do, and I don't like when it's suggested to me that something I do is wrong or a waste. I've tried to work on this, but the process has been slow going. The problem is that I ask for God to show me direction, but then I don't like it if the direction doesn't match what I had in mind. As a result, I fear that the next couple years may turn out terribly if I try to fight what God is pointing me towards. But honestly, I'm having an extremely difficult time figuring out what that is. I say I want to go to grad school, I don't know if I do, and I'm even less certain if God wants me to. I don't want to get a job, but I feel like maybe God wants me to. The truth is general uncertainty is the theme of the day. Am I supposed to stay in Pittsburgh? I want to, but I just don't know. I don't know if that's good or bad, it just is how it is.

And ultimately this begs one question: when I look back 6 months from now will I see the hand of God or only my own stubborn will?