Thursday, April 23, 2009

It's about time

So I've been slacking, with my papers to write and all. Unintentional, and possibly, unavoidable. Anyway, here I am, now a junior. Halfway to there, wherever that is. It's hard to fathom, and harder to understand. I could write a million cliches, and I may, but hopefully I have something meaningful to say. Maybe even something summer can't take away...

People come and go. Believe it or not, but sometimes the timing is too good to be coincidence. I've waited for the unlikely, and then watched the impossible happen. Friends have become lost, only to reappear as friends again. This year I've reconnected with those I haven't spoken to in years. I learned that timing is everything. Even found out that some people like to work, and that I can't change things on my own. Finally I learned that not knowing is ok. I don't know what I want to be, or where I want to go, or anything after the next two years. All I know is that I'll be at Pitt. After that, I'm up for anything. Not concerned with what I'll make, where I'll be living, or if I'll go to grad school, get a job, etc. I'd live in Pittsburgh in a second, but if I don't I'll survive. I don't have a set age when I want to get married (just definitely not while in college), a set number of kids I want to have, or the kind of car I want to drive. No idea what my type is, because I've fallen for: blondes, brunettes, dark hair, even a red head or two. Really any Christian would be great, in all honesty, and everything else could go from there. I've seen a little bit of good in almost everyone I've ever met. Mistakes have been turned into success stories. You're never too far gone for redemption to find you. This summer should prove that, at least I hope it does. Two years seems like a thousand. The respectable have turned into the fools, the fools into the motivated and gifted. It's been hard to watch people walk away, and I haven't replaced some of them. Maybe I won't. Fear is more powerful than most realize, it drives people apart. So to do: lies, greed, lust, pride, and discontent. Everyone is looking for their dreams in all the wrong places. Contentment is the impossible goal, the ghost that lies just out of reach. Somewhere in the noise I stop and shut my eyes.

I have no idea what's going to happen when I graduate in two years. It's hard to comprehend a life on one's own. Don't think I'm ready for the responsibility. I couldn't imagine being married at 22, let alone 20, it seems so young. Not ready to pay the bills, own a apartment/house, pay my own insurance. It's going too fast, and I can't slow it down. I wanna be back on the playground, riding my bike aimlessly, and without a care in the world. I'm tired of confrontation, heartbreak, and seeing broken people in broken situations. I've seen enough mistreatment, cold calculation, and senseless excess. What are we, what am I? Does anything still mean something, anything pure, or are we all broken? I want to trust, without preconditions or fear, and not worry about being hurt. There's no need for the cruelty, the malice, the survival of the fittest killer instinct. We can help each other, can't we? I want to work without thinking about productivity, numbers on a chart, or my pay rate. I need to do things for pure enjoyment, to reclaim my youth, my innocence, some sense of childlike wonder. Can I help without expecting some reward? How about doing things without thinking about how they benefit me? The dream that four years of college can change you, I still have it. This year I've met some amazing people. I wouldn't remove any of them they all occupy a place of importance. Unfortunately, some people have opted to remove themselves, which is out of my control. So I let it go, because I get busy living not dying. I've learned more than I could have ever imagined, and it isn't going to stop anytime soon. But I still feel that I could be doing more, my potential isn't being fully tapped. Thankfully, I've still got two years to go. It starts this summer. I'd love for you to be a part of the ride. For those I know well stay in my life, and for those I don't there's room. My four year goal: to be a better person and impact as many people as I can. It's been an ok start, but I could do better...and I'm trying to.

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